


Forgetting is Powerful (But Don't Forget This)

by fairytaleslayer



Series: Beau-Centric One Shots [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Can be read as pre-Beauyasha, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, mostly Beau/Family, or as a non-ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 04:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20651213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytaleslayer/pseuds/fairytaleslayer
Summary: Beau gets Feebleminded, and it takes too long for the Nein to notice.





	Forgetting is Powerful (But Don't Forget This)

**Author's Note:**

> It occurred to me that as a monk, when faced with an opponent, Beau wouldn't react any differently than normal after being hit with a Feeblemind spell, and maybe that would cause the Nein to not realize something had even happened to her. She has no spells to lose, and she would still recognize her friends as safe, and so wouldn't act very out of character except for the not being able to speak. So this is my take on that.

They were fighting some half-elven warlock U’kotoa had replaced Fjord with, and for all they used to make fun of Fjord for always doing his Eldritch Blast and sticking with it, this warlock was kind of ripping through them, along with the demon he’d summoned. It was trampling through their back line, and Yasha had left Beau to deal with the warlock himself while she ran back to try and curtail the demon’s rampage. Caduceus was attempting to bring Caleb back to consciousness while Fjord helped Nott to her feet. Jester was the only one still sending a bolt of energy the warlock’s way to help Beau out occasionally.

Beau was getting tired. “Pick on someone your own size, you fucker!” she growled as the warlock sent another blast in Nott’s direction, putting her back on the ground while Fjord cursed and pulled out a potion, his minor healing ability he’d gained from the Wildmother run dry for the day.

Every time the warlock tried to get another pot shot off at her party, Beau was stepping in front, either forcing him to redirect or taking the hit herself. She got punches and kicks in where she could, but mostly settled for keeping the bastard occupied while her friends took down the demon. It’s dying shriek caused the warlock to curse. “I’ve had it with you – infuriating fucking monks,” he snarled. Greenish-blue energy gathered in his hands and shot at Beau, striking her square in the chest.

* * *

Jester saw Beau get hit with a spell she didn’t recognize just as they finally killed the Balgura. She was about ready to scream and run forward to heal her friend when Beau seemed to right herself from her stumble and launch herself at the warlock with a renewed energy.

* * *

She had no idea what was happening. Everything was hazy. She didn’t know where she was, or what all the loud noises were, but someone was standing in front of her, grinning madly. She didn’t recognize him. He looked – bad. Sound came out of his mouth, but she couldn’t understand him. Then there was a weird light around his hands, and she instinctively lashed out, scared out of her mind.

She didn’t know what she was doing – nothing made any kind of sense – but her body seemed to, acting on muscle memory and launching herself at the danger. Her hands kept moving, curled into fists and striking out in blind terror.

The other one was making noise again, and then he moved away. She instinctively went after him, bringing him down and swinging until finally he was still. He couldn’t hurt her.

Something touched her a moment later and she swung around, her fists up and ready to protect herself from any other incoming danger. The one behind her was different. She couldn’t place them, but they had shiny and dark hair and she knew they were safe. Her hands went back down and she grunted. This other one didn’t make any noise – just kept looking at her – so she turned, kicked the dangerous one again for good measure, and wandered off.

There were others she knew were safe. She couldn’t remember why, didn’t recognize their faces, but she knew they wouldn’t hurt her. She was so _tired_. She lay down on the ground and closed her eyes, ready to sleep.

* * *

Jester cocked her head, confused at seeing Beau decide to just nap in the middle of the road. That was unlike her and _really _weird. “Hey Beau? Beau, come on get up! It’s not night yet silly we’ve gotta keep going!” She tugged on Beau’s arm, trying to figure out if Beau was more hurt than she was letting on. Her best friend was bad about admitting that. Jester usually had to pout it out of her.

Beau grumbled wordlessly, looking up at her with bleary eyes before stumbling to her feet and wandering aimlessly in the direction the rest of the Nein were heading. They’d left the moorbounders behind for this mission, and so were stuck on foot.

Beau seemed alright, if acting a _little_ strange. Jester kept an eye on her, making sure the monk didn’t fall behind. Maybe she was getting sick or something. She’d do a small restoration on her later – that should kick any sickness’ butt easy.

* * *

She didn’t know why she was still moving. But all the people that she recognized as ‘safe’ were walking in one direction, so she kept walking too. Even though all she wanted was to lay down again. She didn’t know what was going on, but no one else seemed scared, so she stayed calm.

* * *

Fjord was trying to place why the afternoon after the fight seemed strange. It took another hour before it clicked. It was too _quiet_. Usually, Jester and Beau would be chatting about something, or Beau and Caleb would be doing their discussing/nitpicking about some book of his or another. Or Jester would be bouncing around Caduceus. Right now, Jester seemed focused on Beau, who had kept her head down most of the walk, only acknowledging Jester with a grunt every once in a while. He dropped back to even with the pair. “You doing alright, Beau?” he asked, reaching out to brush against the monk’s shoulder.

Beau’s head shot up, her eyes wild for a second before she calmed. She made a noise that sounded vaguely annoyed before fixing her eyes back on the road.

“I think she’s sick,” Jester worried. “She won’t tell me though, even though it’s _obvious._ She’s so stubborn – you hear that Beau? Why don’t you just admit it?”

“Alright, alright,” Fjord tried to calm Jester down. “Just – let her be then. Can’t be too serious, if she’s still walking and fighting just fine. I’m sure it can wait until tonight, and you and Caduceus will get her right as rain again. Sound alright, Beau?”

Beau kept stubbornly quiet.

* * *

Finally, the ones in front of her stopped moving. She instinctively came to a halt behind them. One started walking again, but he just kept going back to his starting point. Her head was on a constant swivel, following him around and around, again and again, until finally, something appeared out of the air. Terrified, she leapt backward and flinched, expecting to be hurt, but was surprised when she went right through the strange thing.

The rest of the safe ones were all looking at her again. The bright one who kept making noise around her the whole time they were moving started making the noises again. She still couldn’t understand. She grabbed her head and whimpered, crouching against the ground.

* * *

“Shut up,” Yasha quietly ordered the rest, her voice firm. “Something is wrong.”

“Yeah, she’s sick,” Jester explained for the third time, rolling her eyes. “I was gonna fix it later but I can now if everyone could just _wait_ for two seconds.”

Caleb was looking at Beau intently, trying to puzzle it out. “Beauregard,” he called softly. He walked over and crouched by her, placing a hand on her back. Beau’s head shot up, eyes darting around until they landed on Caleb. Whining, she leaned into him, upsetting his balance and causing them both to fall the rest of the way to the ground.

“Well, that’s different,” Caduceus drawled.

“Beauregard.” Caleb tilted Beau’s head so she was looking at him again. “Beau, what is my name? Schwester, what is – _your_ name?”

There was no comprehension in Beau’s eyes. Her breathing quickened until she buried her face in Caleb’s shirt, one hand reaching up to slam against her temple as she made nonsensical noises.

“What’s _wrong_ with her?” Nott asked, bewildered.

“Oh dear,” Caduceus said, going to kneel beside the sitting pair and carefully grabbing Beau’s wrist so she couldn’t hit herself anymore. “That’s alright, Miss Beau,” he said, voice even gentler and deeper than normal. “It’s going to be just fine. Little sleep, and we’ll fix you right up in no time – it’s alright now. You’re safe. You can keep hanging on to Mister Caleb if you want, but I think we’d all be more comfortable in a bed.”

* * *

The pale one’s noises were nice. Soothed and feeling safer, she let go of the warm one and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. The pale one led her to something soft, and she instinctively lay down when his large hands gently nudged her and was asleep in seconds. Finally.

* * *

“What’s wrong with her?” Yasha asked, staring at their monk worriedly.

Caleb sighed, and Caduceus nodded agreeably for him to be the one to talk. “She has been – feebleminded,” Caleb revealed. “Scheisse. It must have happened when we were fighting U’kotoa’s new pet.”

“I don’t know what that is. What is that?” Jester asked, looking between Caduceus and Caleb multiple times, scared for her best friend.

“She does not know who we are, although, _if_ I recall correctly, she _does_ still recognize us as safe. Or as her friends,” Caleb described. “Beau cannot speak with us, she does not remember how. She will not remember _anything_. Even her own name. We will have to work – very hard – to keep her calm until we can get this fixed.”

Jester grabbed Caduceus’ sleeve. “We can fix it right? Caduceus can you fix it? Can _I _fix it?”

“Why didn’t any of us notice?” Yasha murmured.

Jester fidgeted some more. “I mean, I saw her get hit by something, but she seemed _fine_,” she explained, voice desperate like she thought the rest would blame her for not noticing that Beau was hurt. “She just kept fighting and then he was dead. And then she wouldn’t talk to me but I thought she was only sick. Does that make me a bad friend am I a bad friend?” She looked near tears, so Nott skittered over to hug her leg.

“None of us noticed,” Caleb muttered. He wandered over to where Beau was fast asleep, carefully rubbing her back so he wouldn’t wake her up before finding his own bed.

Caduceus put a comforting hand on Jester’s back. “We can fix her tomorrow,” he promised. “We can study up on that greater restoring spell tonight, and she’ll be just fine.”

“Okay okay okay,” Jester said, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself.

“I’ll take first watch,” Yasha offered, finding a nearby log to sit on. “And keep an eye on Beau – make sure she doesn’t wander off.”

Nott scrambled up her back to sit on her shoulders. “Me too.”

“Alright then.” Fjord re-entered the dome. “I think we all agree then that keeping Beau asleep for as long as possible is probably the best way of handling this. Let her wake up on her own time – maybe that’ll keep this nice and easy.”

* * *

She woke with a start. She didn’t know where she was or what was going on. There were people all around her, but it was too dark to see who they were. Were they the safe ones, or were they gone? She swallowed hard, a whine developing in the back of her throat as fear enveloped her.

Then something moved in the dark, looming nearby, and she was gone.

She scrambled out of the dome and away, looking for anything that might be safe. She couldn’t really see what was in front of her, and nearly ran headlong into something hard. She stumbled to the ground, looked up, and immediately got up to start climbing.

Someone was making loud noise behind her, which pushed her to climb faster. She didn’t know if they were safe or not.

* * *

Yasha sighed as she reached the bottom of the tree Beau was currently at the top of and cowering in. Nott was just a few steps behind. “Go get the others,” she told the little goblin quietly. “Hopefully it’s been long enough for Jester or Caduceus to be at full strength again. I’m going to try and get her to come down.” Nott nodded and sprinted back to the camp, disappearing into the darkness. “Beau?” Yasha called up into the tree quietly, trying to keep her voice nice and calm like Caduceus had. Beau seemed to respond best to that.

There was some rustling, but no response. Not that Beau could, even if she wanted to and _wasn’t _scared out of her wits. Literally. Yasha could hear a faint whine.

“Beau, it’s okay. No one is going to hurt you.” Remembering her human eyes, Yasha sent out the little globe of light the Stormlord had taught her how to make. “You know me, Beau. You’re safe with us. I know you can’t understand me, but I promise that everyone is trying to fix it. It’s okay to come down.”

If she listened _very_ carefully, Yasha thought she could hear slow, measured movements, and Beau’s breathing calming down. After a few minutes, Beau appeared on one of the lower branches, perched precariously and eyeing her with quick, nervous looks. Yasha unconsciously moved the light above and between them, hoping that Beau would recognize her.

It worked. Beau hummed happily before leaping down and burrowing into Yasha’s side. Yasha could feel her shoulders still shaking a bit from the scare she’d evidently had, and dropped an arm around them, holding the frightened monk close. “We’ve got you,” she murmured softly. “It’s going to be okay soon.”

“Yasha?” Jester asked, coming to a stop when Yasha held up a warning hand.

“We’re okay.” Yasha brought her hand back to cradle Beau’s head. “Just had a bit of scare when she woke up. We forgot she can’t see in the dark. I don’t think she could tell who we were anymore and ran away. Once she could see me she was alright.”

Jester yawned, rubbing her eyes. “I think I need more sleep. I don’t even remember how the spell goes right now I’m so – tired.” Her words were interrupted by another yawn.

“I’ll stay up with her. She should be fine as long as she can see.” Yasha bundled Beau back over to her bed, getting her settled with the little ball of light drifting nearby so the Nein’s faces were slightly visible even when lying down. Not a minute after sending Nott to get some sleep and taking a seat on her fallen log, Yasha was surprised by the sneaky monk appearing next to her legs, sitting on the ground and leaning against both her and the wood. “What’s wrong, Beau?” she asked, patting her awkwardly on the back.

There was a muffled grunt of a reply as Beau buried her face in the side of Yasha’s thigh. Not that Yasha should have expected anything more from her at the moment.

Yasha sighed and cradled the back of her head. “Okay. I don’t know if you’re going to be embarrassed or grateful when we fix this. Or if you’ll remember any of it at all. But if you do – there’s nothing for you to be ashamed of for this, Beau. Just know that. It’s-it’s good that you trust us so much that even when you – I guess don’t even know who _you_ are – you still trust us. That’s pretty amazing Beau.”

Beau stayed tucked nearly under Yasha’s knee for the next several hours until the sun began to finally rise. Yasha made sure to keep a hand on her, offering whatever reassurance she could. She was almost certain Beau fell back asleep at one point, but just in case, she kept her hand where it was. As dawn broke, she gently patted Beau, bringing her back to awareness. Beau jumped a bit, but settled again quickly when she saw Yasha’s face.

Her eyes still had a hazy, uncomprehending look about them, when normally they were so sharp, catching little details that almost everyone else besides Caduceus missed. “Hey. I’m just – going to go get Jester and we’ll see about getting you fixed up, okay?” Yasha murmured, wanting to keep her calm. “I’ll be right back. You stay here yeah?”

She shouldn’t have even bothered, given that Beau scrambled to her feet to tail after Yasha the second she moved.

“That’s not what I – oh alright,” Yasha sighed. She jostled first Jester, then Caduceus awake. One of them had to be prepared to fix Beau by then.

“Yasha?” Jester mumbled, eyes blinking open. “How’s Beau?”

Yasha lifted her arm so Jester could see Beau practically glued to her back. “Cuddly,” she said.

“Cool. I just need to get the diamond dust from Caduceus’ bag, and then we can fix her.” Jester yawned and slowly crawled over to Caduceus’ bedroll, digging through his bag for the right pouch.

Yasha led Beau back over to the log, sitting her down and staying nearby so the confused monk wouldn’t be tempted to get up again. The rest of the Nein were stirring awake, Caleb the first to come sit by Beau and letting her lean against him without a fuss. “No more eh, scares – last night?” he asked.

“No. She got some sleep. I kept the light up for her.”

“Gut. Das gut. Ja, Beau?”

Beau was looking between each of them as they spoke, eyes wide and utterly lost but not afraid anymore. She vaguely reminded Yasha of the few times she’d seen infants in her tribe. No comprehension of the world around them but trusting those closest to keep them safe.

“Okay! We’re ready!” Jester called over from where now both she and Caduceus were seated by the fire Fjord had stoked. Beau startled at the sudden noise, but calmed when Caleb put a hand on her arm. He led her over to the fire and gently pushed down on her shoulder to get Beau to sit next to Jester. “Okay okay okay, lean back Beau.” Jester tapped her on the chest until Beau was lying on her back, sprinkling the diamond dust over her forehead and clavicle. Beau’s nose wrinkled and she tried to shake it away, but Jester held her still. “No it’s alright it’ll be gone in a second stay very still Beau.”

Jester and Caduceus consulted for a moment longer before Jester muttered a few words to the Traveler, drawing glowing symbols in the air. Yasha could see Beau stiffen in fright as the symbols sank into her skin, then her eyes fluttered closed.

Fjord had just started to ask, “Did it wo-” when Beau was flipping to her feet, every muscle in her body tensed for flight.

“Fucking hell whatthefuck what in the shit was all of that?!” she spluttered, hands raised for a fight. “What’d the fucker do to me? He _feebleminded _me?! Where is he? Caduceus, raise him from the dead so I can kill him again.”

“I don’t think that’s really necessary,” Caduceus said with a calm smile.

Jester leapt up to hug Beau, latching on and holding tight. “You’re all better! Don’t do that again I missed you!”

Beau let her arms relax and hugged Jester back. “Sorry. Pretty sure it was that warlock’s fault though, not mine.” Her eyes met Yasha’s briefly before they darted away. She desperately hoped that her cheeks were hiding her blush, because her face felt like it was on fire. Beau cleared her throat, stepping away from Jester and looking towards the rest of the group. “If you’re not going to let me kill him again, let’s get going. Lots of ground to cover and all that.”

She kept her eyes on the road beneath her feet the whole day, responding whenever someone talked to her but otherwise avoiding making eye contact with Yasha if at all possible. Beau couldn’t believe how – _needy_ she’d been. With Yasha, with Caleb. It was ridiculous. Beau didn’t _need_ anyone. And Caleb had called her his sister, and Beau _liked _that. Liked that Caleb thought she belonged with him – that they were family. And Yasha had been kind the night before. Far kinder than she needed to be. She could have just trundled Beau into her bed and made her stay, it wasn’t like Beau would have known the difference. But Yasha had let her practically crawl all over her.

When they stopped for the night, Beau volunteered for first watch. “Are you sure?” Fjord asked. “From what Yasha said, you were awake most of the night, even if you don’t remember it.”

“Yeah I feel fine,” Beau brushed him off, not bothering to correct the second part of his concern.

“I’ll stay up as well,” Yasha said quietly. Beau cringed. Yasha was the one she was trying to avoid. She’d thought that after staying up all night with her, the others would force the barbarian to rest.

But no such luck.

The camp settled quickly, everyone exhausted from the stresses of the day before still. Yasha blessedly gave Beau some distance, keeping to one side of the fire while Beau stared pensively into it from the other side. She also gave her the gift of silence. For about an hour, at least.

“You remember yesterday, don’t you?”

Beau nodded but otherwise didn’t reply.

“I told you there wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about. You needed help – that’s why we’re all together.”

“It’s not that. I _know_ that,” Beau finally responded. “I just – I’m not – I don’t need _people_.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

Beau groaned, throwing her head back to stare at the sky. “It’s embarrassing okay? Not the needing help – I don’t like that but I can accept it. The – the needing to be close to people. The way I acted last night. With you. With Caleb. That’s not me. I don’t _do _that. I don’t need people like that, I _can’t_.”

“Why not?” Beau didn’t reply. “Beau,” Yasha pressed. “Why not?”

Jerking to her feet, Beau turned on her heel and stalked off into the dark. Yasha watched her for a bit, barely able to still catch her outline a little over sixty feet away, waiting to see if Beau would come back. When she didn’t – just kind of hunched over before collapsing to the ground – Yasha sighed and left the fire ring as well.

Beau was staring at the dirt, her goggles not even on. Yasha sat beside her. “Beau,” she tried again. “We all need people.”

“Not me,” the monk grunted.

“Why not?” Yasha asked one last time.

Beau grimaced and bit her lip. “Because if I don’t need them, then it doesn’t hurt when they leave. It doesn’t hurt when they hate you, or give up on you, or wish you’d never been born. It won’t hurt when they _replace_ you with someone better,” she snarled. Her hands were gripping onto her staff so tightly Yasha was sure they must be hurting.

Yasha didn’t really know what to say. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Beau’s childhood had been shit, but Yasha got the feeling that each of them only had bits and pieces of the whole story. Perhaps they should have a meeting without Beau just to compare notes – if that wouldn’t be an invasion of her privacy and her right to tell them when she wanted to. She knew about Tori, knew about Beau being a criminal before getting caught, knew she’d been sent to the Cobalt Reserve. But apart from those three things, Yasha was pretty sure she could count the facts she knew about Beau’s past on one hand.

The snapping of wood drew Yasha’s attention to the two pieces of the now broken staff in Beau’s hands. “If you needed to break something, it didn’t have to be your weapon,” she said gently, trying not to upset Beau more.

“Jester can just fix it with a mending spell,” Beau scoffed. “All of you – you’re all _magical_. You have gods who _chose _you, fucking deities who saw something in you and went ‘Yeah. I want that one’. And it’s not like I want to belong to a god or some shit but me? I punch shit. That’s all I can do. Apparently whether I have a brain at the moment or not. No one even _noticed_.” Beau dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, shoulders hunched defensively.

Oh. There was the problem, Yasha realized as guilt settled low in her stomach. They _hadn’t_ noticed. It had taken far too long for Caleb to catch on, and no one else had at all. “That’s – that’s our fault. It has _nothing _to do with how important you are to us or how – I don’t want to say it like this and I don’t mean it but, how _useful _you are, Beau. It’s _our _fault. And I’m sorry that I didn’t realize – that no one else did for too long.”

Beau shook her head emphatically. “It’s my own problem. Don’t worry about it,” she muttered.

“Beau.” Yasha grabbed her wrist as Beau tried to get up and head back to camp. “Beau.”

“It’s fine.”

“No it’s not. Beau just wait for a moment.” Beau sighed, allowing Yasha to tug her back down to the ground. Silence reigned for a few minutes as Yasha organized her thoughts as best she could. The Nein couldn’t afford for her to get this wrong and make things more awkward and painful, or else they might lose Beau entirely. “You don’t understand how much we rely on you. Not just for ‘punching’. You understand people – their motivations, wants, needs. Maybe you aren’t always the best at talking to them,” she allowed, “but you _get _them. And you are kind. You don’t see it that way, but I know Caleb has seen it, and Jester. Caduceus relies on you to tell him when others need him. Fjord is good at talking to people, but he doesn’t always see the bigger picture like you do. I know Jester loves you as her best friend.”

Beau was twisting one of the pieces of her staff in her hands, fidgeting more than anything and looking everywhere except at Yasha. “That’s – that’s not – anything,” she said weakly. “Anyone could do that.”

“Anyone could. But most choose not to,” Yasha asserted. “_We _choose not to, more often than not. You don’t see Caleb going out of his way to give coin to street kids, or Fjord checking in with Jester whenever she has a nightmare. When Caduceus gets confused, Nott isn’t the one explaining what’s going on to him. That’s all you, Beau.”

The broken staff came to rest in Beau’s lap. “Yeah?” she asked, finally meeting Yasha’s gaze for the first time since the feeblemind had been removed.

Yasha nodded. “I’m sorry we didn’t see what was wrong. But it doesn’t mean that – any of us don’t love you or need you any less. If anything, it proves how amazing you truly are. Even when you didn’t know yourself, you still fought to protect us. But that’s no excuse for what we missed.”

“I mean – okay,” Beau accepted at last with a sigh. “Thank you. For last night and – tonight too,” she muttered.

“We’ll do better next time,” Yasha promised.

Beau looked up at her, biting her lip. “Can I –? Never mind.”

Feeling like she knew what Beau wanted, Yasha lifted her arm in invitation. “You don’t have to ask. I get the feeling any of us besides Nott and maybe Fjord really wouldn’t mind.”

Beau leaned into her side gratefully. This was good. She could need this – could want it. It was alright to want things.


End file.
